Status Update. Rant. Angry.

10 October 2008 @ 12:02 am

Rant. Bitch. Whine. Not Good for Your Health. WTF.

I bet you live your life only thinking about your achievements and live in a happy-go-lucky world. Which I think is good, because you are only stressed when you are supposed to see me.

Really. My thesis supervisor apparently thinks that being optimistic is a cardinal sin. I'm supposed to stress myself to death and show that I'm stressing it because or else there will be no evident that I did try. I look pretty, fair, radiant - conclusion made? I didn't stress myself over my thesis and I didn't try. Wut? Blame my complexion for my apparent lack in credibility? Judge me because I look nice and cool?

Evaluating me based on how I live the life? Serious shit is getting too personal. How I live my life affected my work - but they aren't the basis for telling me that I shouldn't be optimistic. Imply that I should give up when it's not the greatest work I've ever done. Imply that I should leave the door of your office and get another lecturer to guide a loser like me. Imply that being idealistic is an unwanted virtue. Seriously WTF?

Stop at telling me how my experimental designs have no basis. Stop at telling me that my justification is not explaining stuff. Stop at saying that my analysis isn't clear.

Don't tell me my optimism and persistence to continue are bad and ridicule them. I'm not going to be some asshole who deserted all other group assignments on the basis that they are getting some strict lecturer as their supervisor. I like to make failure my own and rather not drag other people in. I like being optimistic, and no one knew how much it took me to get where I am now. Respected by peers, liked by many and kind of successful?

Don't tell me that I live a fairy tale life and care for nothing. I went through hell and depression in my teenage years. Suffered social stigma and problems. Family troubles. Public jeers. Known as the girl with attitude problems. Now a university representative in debate tournaments. Class representative. Capable bitch.

Tell me optimism didn't play a part.

Tell me that I didn't try, didn't stressed myself, lie to myself, the worst student she's ever taken, good at everything else except understanding fluid dynamics of a hydrocolloid's gelling system (WTF, I dropped Physics in High School) -

The hell.

Look. I slept less than 8 hours cumulatively in three days. I eat once a day and felt nauseous the day after. I didn't sleep for 25 hours. I slaved my head over tons books and scientific journals for days. To come up with a presentation on Powerpoint.

For some things that you told me, dear supervisor, here is what I sincerely think:

I seriously think you need to change supervisor
No, I'll stay and haunt you.

You're my nightmare, you know that?
Thanks, more reason to stay.

I think your research may fail.
That's what you think.

You don't know what you don't know.
Mind telling me? Since you know, I'm a retard case in your book and all.

Maybe you should extend.
You have no rights to. Give me bad grades. No asking me to extend unless I decided to jack the thesis altogether.

You rank among the lowest among my students.

Yes, in being a photocopy machine, I'm glad I do rank the lowest.

Now, think about this. I helped every lecturer with everything for years. So, why the hell am I the only one with serious troubles?

***
Ok, that felt good. Excuse me while I get some sleep and slave over the corrections. Among other stuffs.

__________________________________________________________________

21 October 2008 @ 12:38 am

Anger Management. I need it.

Had some sort of emotional breakdown last week, and the rest was a rollercoaster ride for the finishing. Got a dress for the annual dinner, a new pair of shoes and look pretty in them.

Decided that enough was enough, and now changing my thesis supervisor. Didn't want to listen to people calling me their "nightmare" when all I did was to do my work. I need to graduate. I need a thesis for that. I hand in sucky work, and she had to evaluate me. Like uhm, do your job because you are being paid to guide me? I didn't want to spend 25 hours not sleeping to complete a task which will be returned back to me, with me needing to redo from the start till the end. Didn't want to throw up after eating just because I had conveniently forgotten a meal or two. Didn't want to suffer emotional torture and verbal abuse.

One risk - high change of extending. My eternal gratitude to you, dearest unneccesary bureocracy.

Now, now. My parents, bless their illiteracy, chose the wrong time to get misunderstood.

What happened to you? Were you fooling around? Did you fail anything? Do you know how embarassing would that be?


No, papa and mommy. I am simply being a super loser. I can't bear to have anyone call me their nightmares, and at the expense of my timely graduation, I am now changing my thesis supervisor.

Argued with my sisters.

Sis, please give proofs that you aren't failing, or else daddy and mommy don't understand.

No. I did not fail anything. Period.

My only failure is to have chosen her as my thesis supervisor. Did not fail anything. I'm a good girl. I sit in my room, read, study and work. Goodness me, I'm a workaholic. I didn't fool around.

Mother called me back. Little sister cleared things up.

Please sleep early. Remember to eat. We will support you. Do whatever you want.

I love you momma, I love you papa, but my life sucks now. I hadn't meant to be angry, but until now, hours after you called me, my heart's still beating fast with contempt for nothing. Now you know why I need a way out. I am still angry, for no reasons. Heart thumping with discontent. Not good for person who is supposed to be an adult.

I need to relax. I need sleep.

I have an quiz in 7 hours.

Life. This is how you are being spelled right now.

Monday, October 20, 2008

2 Comments:

wf said...

No need to be angry o wat.
I found this early of this semester and would like to share with you. Just take some time, understand and digest it. " Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them and then, you destroy youself (Richard Nixon).

joanne is hurt said...

ta jie!!
dun so angry larh..
we al so love u!!
u alwz in my heart whenever we r far or wad??
u stil in my heart forever n eva..
i love u ta jie!!