I want it end now.

I'm getting the feeling that I'm a nasty person to choose as a blogger. It's not my way of expressing ideas, thoughts - but it's for me to rant. And I just happened to be a far more eloquent posted when I'm pissed than anything.

I woke up today with a feverish state of body. Cold but not cold yet. Feeling sick but not sick yet.  A thought came across me that perhaps it's an unknown and yet to be curable ailment that renders me workable. Only sickly workable. Needless to say, lab session failed, and then the emo session begins. As much as I went on about creating datas for the subjective aspects of my thesis, when it comes down to it, I'm a pretty honest person. Thanks to my own ego that had somewhat commissioned an individualistic sense of honour that abides to no one but my own screwed up flow of logic. 

Probably at best at certain times, but I'm certain that it's the worst this time. Not only that I felt guilty about conjuring things up in places that might matter, but also an automatic self-condemning system would be activated. This is when I will be remembering how much I failed in certain times, how much of a useless jerk I am, what are the regrets I have. Granted this feeling probably does not last longer than a few days, but when it comes, it's nothing to shout about. Cue: complete loss of appetite, bad health, sudden shrinkage (a friend told me that it was obvious that I lost some weight), mood swings, erratic sleeping patterns, and the desire to burn (verbally) everyone who expressed immense hatred for things that I like.

I want an end to the pre-graduation struggle and get a job quickly. I know one could never be prepared enough for what's out there waiting, and I know I would miss the college life like hell when I left it for whatever I get later on. Things are just shitty and I'd rather be earning money than to sit around wasting my own health for something that might not even matter come this convocation. 

Say, if for example, instead of working as someone in the Science field, I ended up as the marketing staff. 

Hypothetically, of course. Though I am putting some efforts into applying for a job in publishing and journalism. Who know? 

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Such is University life?

I was actually contemplating on whether to update or not, I seriously have nothing to update other than senselessly ranting about how it seemed like forever before I could actually finish my stuff. I actually used to think that blogging is about self-absorbed. However, later I realized that it's actually rather intriguing to have a space in the interweb dedicated to how you view the world - and that's what I would like my blogs to be. On how I would like the world to change. 

For all big talks that I just said, I would probably have to wait for a little while longer - all those hours slaving over stuffs that are as menial matters like typing notes for all other people to take later on; or even doing labs on results in which I would have to invent for the sake of accuracy or lack thereof; or maybe get myself absorbed in yet another series, manga, anime, or book? Reading the news always make me feel small. Like what I go through everyday is a simple matter of routine; not in anyway a form of distress at all. So what if I were to stay overnight in a lab for a thesis work? That's in no way even remotely comparable to living in the danger zone, hearing bullets zooming over my head or getting earthquakes so often, it's becoming a part of life. Way, way more privileged than that.

For most of the time, however, if you ask me if there is anything I ever regretted? Was that I did nothing for the bigger cause. None the energy and none the materialistic ability to do so. Some people might think that it's an understandable reason - but for me it's an excuse. A treason against the greatness that they have been bestowed upon. Clearly, while inabilities to provide materialistic aid might seemed to spell an end of concern for the worldwide suffering, the best anyone could ever do was to be aware of what is actually happening. 

My point? There's so many ignorant people in the national university, it's not even funny. 

Friday, April 3, 2009