I want it end now.

I'm getting the feeling that I'm a nasty person to choose as a blogger. It's not my way of expressing ideas, thoughts - but it's for me to rant. And I just happened to be a far more eloquent posted when I'm pissed than anything.

I woke up today with a feverish state of body. Cold but not cold yet. Feeling sick but not sick yet.  A thought came across me that perhaps it's an unknown and yet to be curable ailment that renders me workable. Only sickly workable. Needless to say, lab session failed, and then the emo session begins. As much as I went on about creating datas for the subjective aspects of my thesis, when it comes down to it, I'm a pretty honest person. Thanks to my own ego that had somewhat commissioned an individualistic sense of honour that abides to no one but my own screwed up flow of logic. 

Probably at best at certain times, but I'm certain that it's the worst this time. Not only that I felt guilty about conjuring things up in places that might matter, but also an automatic self-condemning system would be activated. This is when I will be remembering how much I failed in certain times, how much of a useless jerk I am, what are the regrets I have. Granted this feeling probably does not last longer than a few days, but when it comes, it's nothing to shout about. Cue: complete loss of appetite, bad health, sudden shrinkage (a friend told me that it was obvious that I lost some weight), mood swings, erratic sleeping patterns, and the desire to burn (verbally) everyone who expressed immense hatred for things that I like.

I want an end to the pre-graduation struggle and get a job quickly. I know one could never be prepared enough for what's out there waiting, and I know I would miss the college life like hell when I left it for whatever I get later on. Things are just shitty and I'd rather be earning money than to sit around wasting my own health for something that might not even matter come this convocation. 

Say, if for example, instead of working as someone in the Science field, I ended up as the marketing staff. 

Hypothetically, of course. Though I am putting some efforts into applying for a job in publishing and journalism. Who know? 

Thursday, April 9, 2009